


Vial of Ashes

by Boonaddicious



Series: Deathbed [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Afterlife, Angst, Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-16
Updated: 2013-04-16
Packaged: 2017-12-08 15:50:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/763171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boonaddicious/pseuds/Boonaddicious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kirk waxes philosophical after Spock Prime's death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vial of Ashes

It is hard not to think about death when one of your progenitors died young. My dad died a hero, saving 800 lives on a starship destroyed by a fuck-up Romulan. There was no point in it - not to me. Nero still went on to destroy Vulcan, making the 800 lives my father saved look like chump change. I grew up with an asshole step father and a barely-there mother for nothing.

That's why I fucking hate James Kirk, and the universe he came from. 

I saw my counterpart from the eyes of an aging Vulcan - he was a man I could never be. A man who's life was pretty damn good in comparison to mine. He earned the right to have a Vulcan love him, and the older Spock did. He saw his fair share of pointless death, but never any to the scale of Vulcan. He lived a charmed life. He was fucking perfect. The universe around him made him this way, which made the one I live in seem even more cruel. Not only did my universe shirk the strides made in the past centuries of human existence, but it saw fit to pull others from a better place into the misery. Spock - the older one - did not deserve to be here and wallow in our misery. Yet, this universe was greedy, and saw fit to drag him here to live out his days among strangers. 

A tear rolls down my cheek as I think about him - the man we all called Selek for the sake of anonymity and convenience. It had been two weeks since he had died in my arms, muttering the name of his one true love. His funeral had been quick to follow, attended by no more than ten people. My Spock and I were among them, as well as Sarek and a few other Vulcan diplomats. It was a low-key affair, especially since there was no body. As per his wishes, Selek had been cremated and placed in an urn to be spread in open space at the appointed time. 

Not all of his ashes had been placed in the urn, though. A small piece of what had once been our friend now lay in my hand within a small vial. My crack smuggling skills made sure of it. 

I am sitting on a ledge overlooking New Vulcan. I am naked as the day I was born, unable to stand putting a robe on the the oppressive heat. I look over to the gorgeous bed where Spock lay, sleeping peacefully. Technically this is our honeymoon, since we used the respite on the colony to finally make our relationship official with a Vulcan bonding ceremony. I am still in awe that I - James 'Tomcat' Kirk - would rejoice at being married to a male for the rest of my life. Yet, nothing seems more right. 

I look down at the tiny vial in my hands, which had previously been hidden in one of my socks. The particles inside are grey and ugly, and could have easily come from fireplace refuse rather than from a vibrant human body. I find this ironic. Spock and I had talked about how our relationship would not have flourished if not for Selek's intervention. It would be yet another thing this cruel existence would deprive from us - until Selek came along. He planted a seed which would blossom into a flowering tree - a lone beacon of life in an endless desert. If it were not for the previous owner of the ashes in my hand, we would have remained lost in the wilderness forever. 

Maybe I don't hate James Kirk after all. He was the one who changed Selek's heart to a point he could become the man who saved my soul. I only hate that it is so much harder for me to gain the happiness that fell into his lap. 

I look down at myself, which is an embarrassing habit I have while naked. I am proud of the way I look. At times, I feel like Narcissus who could not stop staring at himself in the mirror. I have a right to admire myself. I work hard to acquire this body. However, whenever the subject of death enters my mind, I can never enjoy it. My looks are fleeting. Selek had been a gorgeous young man at one point with all the vitality in the universe. Honestly, I thought Selek was still a gorgeous man despite his old age, but he did show the obvious signs of deterioration. Now he was reduced to charred remains in a small vial, just like I would be one day. 

My time was numbered, and as the universe spun toward it's inevitable end, I did as well. I know I should not be thinking about this at twenty-seven, but watching the future of my beloved had put me in a retrospective mood. What if my accomplishments were reduced to ashes as his were? Did Selek's life still mean anything, even though his James Kirk was long gone? Was there still some piece of Selek's consciousness left in the universe?

This is what it's about, I realize. I do not want Selek to be gone. I don't want to be gone when my time comes. Every person I love and feat I accomplish would one day turn to dust, and there would be nothing left of me given a few more years. I would be nothing but particles floating in the universe, much like Selek's grey ashes. This would not matter if there were some way for his existence to continue, which was a concept I always thought of as wishful thinking. 

My mother never discounted the existence of a God, she just thought it was not important. This is the majority view on Earth, and I adopted it as well. If an afterlife did exist, it was nonsensical to think our paltry actions could influence it in any way, or earn God's favor for that matter. There were many who were religious, and many who were hardcore atheists, but I find their certainty unappealing. I enjoy the mystery of life, and find comfort in not knowing all the answers. Spock told me this has been Vulcan's philosophy for thousands of years. Religion did not even enter the equation for them (although I actually argued the ways of Surak sounded a lot like a religion to me, but he predictably dismissed it).

Over time, however, the afterlife became a subject I wanted more certainty about. There came a period in my life I wanted to meet my father, and wondered if there would ever be a possibility. This time came and went when I was a child, but returned with a vengeance when I became captain. I wanted to ask my father's advice and benefit from his wisdom, and even see the look on his face when I followed in his footsteps. Sometimes, the desire to meet him became so overwhelming I cried myself to sleep. Selek had become a nice substitute, but I wanted the real thing. I started thinking on brain science and contemplating how a consciousness could exist apart from the physical plane. I also began to peruse religious texts from a variety of worlds. I did get comfort in realizing many religions were extraordinarily similar. For example, there was a Christ figure on almost every planet in the known galaxy. Still, they were not similar enough. I wanted something solid. 

I had stopped this search when I discovered I was in love with Spock. The present then became the most important thing. Focusing on a future I could not change would do no good, because it would take away from the time I had with the most beautiful person I had ever known. However, when Selek died, these distractions came back.

I am startled when I feel a hand on my shoulder. 

"I thought you were sleeping," I say as I look to my new husband with a warm smile. 

He strokes a finger across my cheek. "I have had adequate rest. I do not want to waste this time we have together." 

I nod and move over to make room for Spock. He sits behind me and wraps his arms around my torso. He is wrapped in a thin robe, which immediately has me thinking of strategies for its removal in our current position. Spock mentally chides me, saying the time for copulation would be later. He wants us to discuss the thoughts running through our minds. 

"You too, huh?" I ask, knowing through our bond his thoughts are straying to death. The difference was his had been there for many years - which was understandable considering what happened to his planet and all which had been built over generations. Now, after seeing an older version of himself die, hey had consumed him even more. 

"I never asked you why you insisted on keeping part of Selek's ashes with you," Spock says softly into my ear. 

I laugh. "You're the one who helped me steal them. I thought you knew."

"I knew you did not do so with malicious intent, so I contributed what I could. However, I still do not understand the desire to have it." 

"Really?" I say, genuinely surprised. "Vulcans have no concept of keeping part of their loved one with them."

"You loved him?" Spock says.

I sigh, hoping he would not get jealous of a man who was barely in the grave. "Yes, I loved him, but not like I love you." I ran my fingers across his in a Vulcan kiss. "He was very important to me, and I'm going to miss him. Isn't that enough?" 

Spock stiffens. I can tell he wants to say something, but he does not want it to be taken the wrong way. 

"Spit it out, Spock." 

My husband relents. "It is illogical for me to consider these details important, but my human side is quite stubborn in this matter. I could tell you were drawn to Selek in his final moments, much like a bondmate would be to his dying partner." 

I shake my head. "No, Spock. It wasn't like that." 

"Please allow me to finish, Jim. I am not accusing you. You might not have realized it, but your mind showed signatures of this draw. I hypothesized Selek's mind emitted signals which drew the mind most similar to his bondmate's, which was you."

I relax against Spock. This makes sense. I wanted more than anything to be near Selek all the time, but I thought that was normal when a friend was dying. No one had said anything to me to indicate it was unusual - at least to my face. 

"I did not know how strong this draw was," Spock continues. "Until I felt you kiss him." 

Now it is my turn to grow stiff, and allow the precious time with my dying friend to the forefront of my consciousness. Emotion wells up in my stomach as I thought back to watching this great man reduced to crying out to ghosts and allowing emotion to destroy his hard-earned control. To be honest, Selek's last moments are a blur. My only vivid recollection is the enraptured look on his face when the end came, and the almost inaudible last words, "Yes, Doctor. We will." Whatever that meant. 

Once every ounce of moisture had been squeezed out of my body from crying, I did notice my swollen lips, and the unmistakable taste of Vulcan on my tongue. I knew I had kissed him, but was was not ashamed. I felt like I had been somewhat of a guide into death, allowing Selek to experience one last pleasure before leaving. I just wish the pleasure had not been based on a lie.

"He thought I was his Jim," I say, not sounding contrite, but matter-of-fact. "He said I had returned to him."

"Such a reaction is...understandable." 

"Yes, but you know what? Those moments lying with him were a blur, but I do know I almost felt I was his Jim Kirk. I saw him like I did a man I commanded for years, who I know better than my left hand. It was a bizarre sensation, which I kind of dismissed afterward. I have not really thought on it since then."

"What are you trying to say, Jim?"

I shrug. I honestly do not know. Do I think I 'became' Selek's bondmate when he took his last breaths? Of course not. Or do I? If I were him, there would be no one to meet Selek when he crossed over. Or did that matter? Why am I talking as if an eternal reunion were a given? I think again to the mystery of the universe, and how nothing really was certain, despite all the knowledge we had attained. 

Knowing my thoughts, Spock holds me closer. 

"Your thought processes are familiar to me. I have thought on various possibilities since I lost my mother and my people. Our Hall of Ancient Thought was lost, as were the billions of souls housed inside. I cannot help but wonder if they dissipated, or if they live on somehow. The logical conclusion to such a query would be that the imagined possibility of an afterlife would only be a defense mechanism against further distress, but our kator-dva healers showed every katra in the Hall was perfectly intact, and would remain so forever. I cannot help but wonder of this would be true outside the hall."

"I hope so," I say, grasping Spock's hand. "Honestly, a single lifetime with you is not enough."

Spock buries his head in my neck. I swear I feel a tremble in his breath, but I know better than to bring it up. 

"I do not know what I will do when I lose you," he says sadly. I fight back tears at the sorrow he projects. We both know my lifetime would be shorter than his, maybe even less so with my incurable recklessness. The pain in his voice makes my heart ache. I know Selek's pain well, and to imagine Spock going through the same on top of what he has already gone through is unthinkable. 

I kiss his hand. "You have me now." I whisper. "You'll have me for a long time. No use mourning over what hasn't happened yet." 

Spock nods against me, and quickly changes the subject. "You never answered my question. Why did you want the ashes?"

"I did so answer you."

"I distinctly recall you, as you humans say, bullshitting me."

I can not help but chuckle at a curse word coming out of his mouth, and based on his projections, he is amused as well. 

"Yeah, you're right. I guess hiding him in one of my socks would not be a fine way to remember him."

"No, I would agree." 

"I guess I...thought we might find a small window into his universe one day. Maybe send him home." I know the suggestion sounds stupid and childish from the moment it leaves my mouth, but Spock does not judge me. If anything, his love for me quadrupled. In our time together, I discovered that some weird and random things turned Spock on - not that I mind. 

"Ashayam," Spock says reverently. "You know this is impossible, and yet you want to try."

"Yes," I reply, swimming in the sea of feeling he is surrounding me in. I only hope I can reciprocate in kind. "He...did not deserve what happened to him." 

"If this was your intention, why did you not convince Sarek to save all the ashes with this in mind?" 

"I thought he would find the concept illogical. I did not have any issues with most of Selek's remains staying here. He told me..." Oh God, here it comes. The lump in my throat is keeping me from talking, but I know I have to finish. "He told me everyone he had known was gone, and here they had been returned to him. I think he liked it here better than the other place, except for, you know..."

"Yes," Spock says. "It is admirable you want to do such a thing." He kisses the side of my face, causing me to leak all the more. I fucking hate crying, especially with Spock around. 

"I miss him," I choke out. "I miss him so damn much."

"I know, ashayam. I miss him, too." 

"I...think I could have loved him. I could have...been his Jim. Sometimes I feel guilty for choosing you instead of him." 

"Such guilt is not logical, Jim," Spock says, again with complete understanding. How can any man be this perfect? "He had his love for a time, and he was...taken. Such is the way of...the universe."

I can tell Spock is getting emotional as well, but fighting with all his might to control it. I can not be helping with my grief shooting through the bond like an archer's arrow. 

"Hey," I say. "Since both of us are not going to get to sleep anytime soon..."

"I do not have adequate control to 'fool around,' Jim. It would not be a pleasant experience for you."

"Damn," I say, disappointed but playful. We have all week to fool around, so if we can not at this time, then this is alright with me. "Well, how 'bout a compromise? Have you ever played chess naked before?"

Spock gives me a ghost of a smile. "No, but I am always always open to trying new experiences." 

~~~~~~~~~

I am awed as I watch the colors swirl and combine around me. There are surging feelings and sensations happening around me I wanted to feel, but could not participate.

"Jim," Spock says from behind me. He appears frightened, so I grab his hand and squeeze. We stand close together, feeling out of place here - as if our physical bodies set us apart from trillions of life forms around us. 

"We always accept visitors," says an echo from behind us. Within the echo, I make out the crackled voice of Selek.

Spock and I turn to see a figure whose appearance made my eyes hurt. It was Selek, that is certain, but behind him is a large group of ghostly figures - all with familiar pointed ears and brown eyes. Selek's doppelgängers are all of different ages. Some are small infants and others were shriveled old men. There is even a younger one who has a goatee, which I find amusing. Selek was up front, his warm eyes immediately welcoming. 

Without words, I run into his arms and immediately kiss him, not caring my new husband is watching. He returns my kisses and wraps me in his arms, squeezing me tight enough I think I am choking. 

"Spock," I say to him, being sure to use his true name. 

"Jim," he says as he places kisses along my jaw. "This is a pleasant surprise seeing you here." 

"Pleasant surprise? I thought you were dead."

"Your thoughts were correct, Jim."

Suddenly, I remember where I am and who I am with. I pull away immediately and turn back to Spock, preparing for the explanation of a lifetime. However, I see there is no need, because he is making out fervently with another familiar old man. It is me at about 60, only with a similar entourage of ghostly copies behind him. There are at least twice as many as Selek has, which makes me curious.

"These are our selves for other universes," Selek says, sensing my confusion. "Out of the infinite number of parallel universes, 47 have some version of me, while 74 had a version of Jim. Out of the universes with me in them, only 40 managed to find Jim. Well, 41 now." 

I stand awestruck, staring at the scene before me. I look back at Selek, unable to say words.

"Oddly enough," he continues. "The universe I lived in was the first where our love branched out and affected the others - at least where it was possible to do so. I was quite humbled when I found this out." 

Still speechless, I watch a smiling Spock lead the older version of me by the hand to where we stand. I have never seen such an expression on my beloved's face. I reach for him immediately and throw my arms around him, as if not doing so will cause the universe to implode. 

"It still gets me when I see this," the older me says. He then puts a hand on my shoulder, causing me to face him for the first time. He does not look as old as Selek. He has spots of grey hair around the gold, and amazingly few wrinkles. He opens his mouth to speak, but seems just as tongue-tied as I am. 

"I don't know what to tell you that won't sound cliche," he finally tells me. "But I did want to thank you for taking care of Spock, and allowing me to find him - and be with him one last time as we were." 

Selek takes Kirk's hand, and I start to feel my knees give to as I process what he said. 

"H-how?" I squeak out. 

"We are all connected," Kirk continued. "Every Jim Kirk from every universe is a part of you, whether you notice it or not. This is how we were able to find my Spock and differentiate him from others."

Tears are running down my face now. I feel my Spock's lips on my face, trying to kiss my tears away. I am far too unworthy to know these things - to be with these people.

"We?" Spock asks between kisses. "All of these people looked for Selek?"

"No, these men are one with me in the place" Selek says. "Jim joined Dr. McCoy in his search for me."

"Bones?" I ask, finally breaking my silence. "You saw...that's what you meant."

"Yes," Selek says, placing his hand on my head. 

"Why?" Spock asks the pair. "Why, of all the organisms in this galaxy, were we imparted with this information?" 

"It's one of those mysteries of this universe, I guess," Kirk says, as if that is the last word. I am not satisfied with this, but I also know I can not question it. I need not look a gift horse in the mouth. 

"While I have you here, Jim, there are a few things I need to clear up," Kirk says to me. "My life wasn't easy either. There is no need to hate the universe I came from. I endured hardships just as you did. They made me who I am, just as they made you who you are. Am I sounding too preachy?" 

I shake my head.

"Good. One of my greatest fears was becoming a moral preacher like my granddad." 

"Our time is running short," Selek says. "Jim, I wanted to thank you for vowing to take my remains home."

"Do...you approve?" I say, feeling more than ever how much this man had been a father to me. "I...did not want you to..."

"I know, Jim. it would mean the world to me if it is possible, though I must admit I will not mind either way. Please know, you are never alone - either or you. Take these things to heart..."

A loud crash jolts me up from the bed, causing me to almost fall to the floor. The same happens to Spock. I slump downward, cursing the Vulcan construction crews for starting their work before the sun is even up. Do they not know there is a sound-sensitive starship captain sleeping nearby?

"Jim," Spock says in a serious voice. I turn to him, worried. I hope there had not been any traumas these sounds had revived within his psyche - for his sake and my own. 

"What is it?" I ask, stroking his cheek with my thumb. 

He pauses, his eyes scrunched in concentration, as if trying to discern from my own mind whether or not to ask the question. 

"Did you...dream?"

I sigh. I always hate this question. "C'mon Spock, you know I don't remember my dreams. Fun product of PTSD treatment.r Why do you ask? I thought Vulcans didn't dream?" 

"They...do not," he replies, although by his tone I don't believe him. "Please forget I said anything." He finishes.

I know I probably shouldn't, especially since he looks so distressed - as if he has lost something. For the moment, I decide to bow to his wishes. "Well, since your kinsmen are probably not gonna shut up anytime soon, are you ready to fool around now?" 

A subtle Vulcan smile lights up Spock's face as he places a hand on my naked chest.


End file.
